This is an article I honestly never thought that I’d write. Although I sincerely would love to be in a committed, loving relationship, as a person who cherishes personal connection and one-on-one interactions, I admit I’m probably not the most likely person to be reporting on my experiences with online dating sites.
Alas, in the month of all things love and romance, I was compelled to sit down and share my stories. Experiences that have me wondering how anyone ever possibly meets someone of integrity on these online sites. It was eye-opening to read the claim from Match.com that one out of five new relationships now starts online. Wow, 20 percent! Got me thinking that something, so far, was definitely not working for me.
Intimacy and Dating
The current site I’m on, (which I discovered while doing research on intimacy), intrigued me and I was curious to take their online test and uncover my dominant personality type. The test was created by author and biological anthropologist Helen Fisher Ph.D., one of the world’s leading experts on sex, love, marriage and dating. On this site, it’s all about the chemistry between the four personality types. I was surprised to discover that I’m an explorer, with strong negotiator skills coming in a close second. Everyone, I shared this with confirmed they saw me perfectly as an explorer. True to my type, I jumped in, ready to explore.
After several months on the site, I realized that frankly, I’d had more conversations with their customer service people than with any prospective matches. The male supervisor, my inside connection, and I had lively, laugh-out-loud conversations as he continued to encourage me to stick with it. In the last conversation, I actually asked if he was available, as he appeared the closest thing to a match that I believe this site could offer me. He laughed. Gotta love a guy who gets my sense of humour!
The Stories People Weave Online
A series of events finally convinced me that I just had to sit down and tell all. Within a matter of a few days, I got three close together email interactions from what appeared to be a lovely man, who lives a mere four-and-a-half hour drive from Toronto. Remaining open to possibility, I wouldn’t let the distance between us stop me. In his photo, he looked impeccably dressed in a dapper smoking jacket with an ascot. Personally, I have no interest in a partner who smokes (or wears a smoking jacket), but when I checked out his profile, I was relieved to see that I could safely move forward. He claimed that he never smokes.
His email immediately flattered me and he expressed a keen desire to have a voice-to-voice conversation, suggesting we jump to that ASAP. So far, so good. Less than 12 hours later, I got a notice that once again I was being matched with the same gentleman. Same name, but magically he was now a year younger than he had been the day before. A bit confusing. I wondered if that was something he could teach me how to do, considering I just had a birthday and in a 12-hour period, I actually became a year older. His picture was the same, only now it was a close-up, so the smoking jacket and ascot were less visible. I was happy I hadn’t answered the last email and given him my personal contact info.
Dating Site Supervisor Needed
When I called my trusty, laughing, in-house supervisor, he explained that sometimes this happens. Oh, this crazy world of online dating. I asked, “Wouldn’t you at least change your name if you were attempting to get a profile up again?” More laughing from my inside man. The bottom line was that this match was flagged and his profile withdrawn and he immediately tried to create a new profile which was also flagged and removed. I asked if this happens often? Unfortunately, it does.
Because this wasn’t the first time this happened to me, I’m not sure why I was surprised. Back in the very beginning, I was actually excited about a man who appeared to live about 15 minutes from me and whose profile sounded great. Although his wide acceptable age range for potential matches was 18-105, somehow I didn’t see the warning flag in that. Call me naive.
He emailed me after we expressed mutual interest and perhaps again I should have known something was wrong when he signed his email with a different name than his profile name. Hmm. And, he was actually a really lonely guy on contract in Malaysia. So much for the potential short drive to meet up with him. He too was flagged and pulled from this site. Where are all the real, authentic men? Does this happen to men looking for women too?
Weeding Through the Frogs to Find a Prince
They sent me many possible matches and only a very few looked remotely interesting to me. Having read Jane Fonda’s book Primetime, I remembered reading that sometimes you have to go through a lot of matches to find one worth exploring. For me, it feels incredibly time-consuming and two-dimensional. One of my main criteria is that men at least put up a photo. I’ve been told that many men don’t because they are either hiding something (like they’re married) or don’t want to be judged by how they look. So, what would happen in person?
A Business Insider article reported that apparently smiles in online photos are out for men. I wondered why. Men who look away from the camera and don’t smile have a much higher chance of getting a response than those who look directly into the camera. Apparently, guys who look at the camera get fewer messages than those who don’t, according to OkCupid CEO, Sam Yagan. He guesses the reason is because it’s intimidating to women. I don’t get that at all, as I personally always go for the smiling man looking directly at me.
Online Dating Statistics
The statistics relating to online dating sites are quite staggering. According to Dating Site Reviews, the dating service industry in the United States is projected to be worth $2.1 billion, with an estimated 1,500 dating sites in the U. S. alone. Sounds like a small country of hopeful relationship seekers. Seems any criteria can be a launching point for a dating site. Whether that be age, religion, spiritual beliefs, or your intelligence, there is probably a dating site you can sign on with.
In the United States, there are 54 million singles with 5.5 million of those using dating services. Twenty-five per cent of Canadians have tried online dating with 69 percent saying they probably wouldn’t try them. Sixty-four percent of online daters say common interests are the most important factor in finding a potential partner online, with 49 percent reporting it’s more about the physical characteristics seen in photos and videos. 49 million Americans have used online dating sites.
Why Do People Misrepresent Themselves?
Not too long ago, a male friend actually suggested I write an article on online dating. He’d heard a radio report that women are hiring private detectives to screen and check out perspective matches found on the Internet. Why? Dating sites typically don’t engage in any background checks. Hiring a private detective. “Count me out of that,” I thought. It seemed absolutely outside my realm of understanding. One thing I do continually hear is that it is imperative to be cautious. Generally trusting by nature, I was curious and wanted to understand where people most often choose to misrepresent themselves.
Catalina L. Toma, an assistant professor in the communication arts department, University of Wisconsin-Madison, investigated how people present themselves and how they judge misrepresentation. For me, the findings were shocking, indicating that about 81 percent of people misrepresent their height, weight or age in their profiles. The ‘bright side’ conclusion was that people tend to only tell small lies because they may eventually meet in person. My question: In these areas, are any lies actually acceptable?
Staying Open to Being Found
Although I’m staying open to being found by an ideal match, I do take a deep breath every time I open another email introducing me to a potential match. I know this way of meeting works for many people. I’ve heard numerous success stories. At the very least, I see it as a great way for me to do research on human behavior. As an explorer and curious investigator, it offers a wealth of new personal experiences and potential stories. Maybe even some great new cyber friends in really far away places, too.
What stories do you have of your online dating experiences…whether good or not so good?
postscript 2017: This piece was originally written back in 2012 just after my birthday in early February. Although I’ve abandoned the online dating world, I’m still amazed at the number of sites available to join. The stats are all current on how popular online dating continues to be. Online dating seems to be gaining in popularity each year!
I am not a very trusting person so online dating would never work for me. I need to be able to size someone up in person from the get go LOL but have been married 19 years this month so thank goodness I don’t have to think about this. I do have a friend that met her hubby on Match.com and they have 2 kids and going strong!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, April, as it seems you are either pro online dating, or overly cautious and don’t see it as a possibility at all. Congrats on your marriage of 19 years too! And thanks for sharing about your friend, as it is always wonderful to hear positive stories about online dating.
I met my husband online. Some of my friends signed up and talked me into joining it with them so we could do this “together.” HA! Together, my foot! It was like being thrown in with the sharks. But I went on a few dates, most were disasters. One man told me rather seriously that I am the spawn of Satan because I have curly hair. So I was kind of over it. And the day before my paid membership expired, I got a ping from this guy. And the rest, they say, is history. That ping was approximately 6 years ago, as we had our first date in March of 2011 after talking for a couple of weeks.
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Wow, what a wonderful success story for online dating, Jennifer! I love it, as it gives me hope. People keep telling me to go back online and yet I am quite hesitant, as I know it requires a lot of time invested to sort through the possibilities. We’ll see, as spring is coming and maybe I’ll come out of hibernation and take your success story as an incentive to get in the game again!
I agree with you that online dating is on the rise, but I know very few success cases so far. I guess the reason is that most people do not state what they want or need in a partner. As for me, I have not experimented with it yet even though I get messages now and then from people on social media. I still have not found what I want or need in a partner.
It’s so interesting to hear the polarity of stories about online dating Apolline. So many success stories and yet so many stories like mine too. I also get message from men on social media and rarely take them seriously. My hope is that for those of us who prefer in person meetings, that we find that way will work for us.
Afraid I have no advice or comment for you on on-line dating Beverley. I met a traveling salesman, ran off to New York, lived with him for 7 years testing him out and then married him. Still married all these years late. I just had to be open to wait for him to travel 350 miles to find me. If he had been on a dating site, I’m not sure I would have made the connection.
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Love your story of meeting our husband, Joyce! Oh, how I would love to meet someone in person too. That sounds romantic and fun and exactly the scenario I’d love to experience. Congrats on waiting and saving yes, as it sounds like it worked out very well for you both.
Online dating is here to stay for a while. People live on hope. Technology is the friend of the busy people who have no time to meet in person. And as long as there is technology, there would always be scammers looking for someone to prey. It can be in any internet transaction including the hacking of your bank account. Once you have learned how to weed the scammers, you will find online dating fun. If you set an intention that you would meet the person, he would show up. It doesn’t matter online or offline. The trick is to just put it out there that your are looking. Online dating is just one avenue that he might show up. Putting yourself out there online is your manifesto that declares you are available.
Thanks for the great tips and observations, Lorii. I agree that it is important to put ourselves out in the world and for those who are comfortable online, it makes sense to be active in online dating! I might try it again in the spring, as I hear how many success stories there are.
Online matchmaking is a new paradigm for all newly single people. I do know of a few success stories. My sister met her significant other several years ago via an online site. They are still together. My employee met her husband..second time around for both of them. They have been together for over 15 Years. My sister did share that there were several others that misrepresented themselves with out of date photos. Best of luck to you. I really feel that once you have made the decision to meet someone..and taken this bold step..your match will appear, and perhaps from a completely different source
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Thanks for sharing the success stories you know about, Alene. Although I am not in the ‘game’ now, I am considering re-entering again to see if things have changed…for the better. I agree with you that once you made a decision about anything in life, including online dating, the match does appear. I hope you are right about it appearing in real life vs. the online world too.
Yea… I didn’t enjoy it… though doing it online allowed me to weed out the riff raff (or so I thought) before wasting time in real life. The part about the lies baffles me … because if you say that you are 100 lbs and meet in person at 150 or whatever… you are starting a relationship off with lies and if you lie about that… then what else? Fortunately that 4 years of being single, the depression, the lies, the heart aches.. etc… ended up for the good… with meeting the love of my life when I wasn’t ready or looking. lol
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Happy to hear you survived the four years of online dating, Kristen and the wonderful part is that you did find the love of your life, so online dating is all behind you now! Congrats on that! I honestly don’t understand how people find it okay to lie about such basic things either, as like you, that would be a big red flag when it comes to trusting them. I’m considering trying it again in the spring and see if I am any better weeding out those who don’t seem to be a good match. We’ll see, as it does require time and energy and you have to be prepared for that to be successful.
I have done a lot of online dating in the past and have a plethora of experiences! Some really good ones and yes some very uncomfortable ones. I learned after trial and error to meet sooner than later. The online dating way is somewhat opposite of meeting in person first…where you can have
emotional connection BEFORE physical connecon….that can be a very interesting place of reality when you do meet. There were times I was exhilerated and a bit addicted to
to it and other times exhauted by it. Speed dating events are quite interesting too…in person, can meet many in a short time and pretty fun. Have you tried those?
I agree with you, Teresa. It is so important to meet sooner than later in this online dating space. I have given it up for now and keep reconsidering trying a new site maybe in the spring. I haven’t tried the speed dating events, as they seem to be like quick little snippets for someone like me who loves conversations. Thanks for suggesting them, as my daughter has also asked why I don’t try them. And definitely emotional connection before physical for me too! There is no question about that. Especially as I keep hearing how a lot of people use the online space for ‘hookups’ primarily and aren’t too interested in anything but that.
I’ve been married for over 20 years so have never experienced the sites. I would think it would be scary and interesting at the same time as I really think people have had great success. The pains you have to go through will definitely be more because it’s not multi-dimensional but I think it will lead to a surprise success, Beverley!
I think it is getting scarier in the online world for sure, Gilly. I only tried it because I’d heard so many people were having great success in meeting someone. I much prefer in-person meetings, which is why I didn’t last too long in the online space. Hopefully the challenges are worth it in the long run, providing you stay in it for the long run. 🙂 Congrats on your 20 year happy marriage too!
Sooooo, we have a lot of dating parallels, Beverley. I found my second husband on Match.com. He’s now my ‘wasband’. Last year, I got on a bunch of different dating sites and just about all of the men misrepresented themselves in big ways, tried to scam me in some way, shape or form. I wasn’t buying any of it! I decided that it was not worth my time to continue online dating sites. Instead, I’m going to attend local, in person events, like speed dating. I think doing things I enjoy and meeting people that way is going to be a better fit for me. Thanks for sharing and for the laughs:-)
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Love the term ‘wasband’, Tandy. 😉 I call my ex, my former husband. It sounds like you’ve had quite a variety of experiences in the online dating world and I have to say that I never stayed on long enough to find someone worth being in relationship with. I agree about connecting with people in the ‘real’ world, at ‘real’ events. I’ve heard about speed dating, but have avoided it because I think it sounds hectic and chaotic for me. I prefer a deeper conversation whenever possible. And yes, meeting people in person is definitely my way as well. Glad you found some laughs in this piece! That’s what I intended, so mission accomplished.
I always read online dating stories with a mixture of horror and involuntary gasps. I’ve known so many folks who’ve done them, and their stories go pretty much like yours! I have known people who’ve gotten together and married through these sites, and they’re all miserable. Some folks have to be happy, as one of your readers above, but I just don’t personally know them!
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With this issue of online dating, it is definitely a very a two-sided one, Susan. Yes, there are people who have glowing success and then there are those who like me, found it very frustrating and maybe not worth the effort. I hadn’t heard many stories about people getting married and then being miserable, so thanks for sharing that too. With so many people connecting and forming relationships, it would be interesting to hear about the glowing success stories as a follow up to this post.
Beverley,
I really enjoyed this story and how we are all looking for the right person, but I guess we have to be careful online not everyone is legitimate and honest. I have a friend who met someone online and they are married and have children 15 years later.
Lori English
Thanks Lori! Glad you enjoyed this piece on online dating. It’s always wonderful to hear about people who have successful experiences and long-term relationships have resulted.
I’ve been happily married for almost 20 years (and we met in person, haha, not online!) But I have heard of many couples that met online and started a wonderful relationship.
So I think it’s just one of those things where things are changing around us and we should be flexible and go with the flow.
And oh, I had a good laugh at your online dating experience, Bev 🙂
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Glad you found the humour in this post, Delia. It had me laughing out loud writing it actually. 😉 The world is definitely changing and it seems that online dating, is gaining in popularity. So many positive stories of long term relationships forming online. And then there are the not so positive stories too…similar or worse than mine. Congrats on finding your husband offline and for being in a successful relationship for 20 years now. That is admirable in a world of short term quick fixes!
I last tried online dating for a very short period of time before I met my husband.
EVERY man who “matched” with my profile ended up being creepy and would send me inappropriate messages. Totally scared me off!!
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Sounds like your experience with online dating parallels mine, Natalie. I hear so many fabulous success stories that it has me curious to maybe try it again. So many are finding suitable partners and lasting relationships via the online route! You never know.
Great post with a splash of humour here Beverley. 🙂 I kinda like the side of taking it slow, having good conversations, etc… BEFORE you meet. Of course, they would have to be telling the truth, but spy that I am, I’d find that out! Ha! Very interesting…
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Glad you enjoyed the humour in this piece, Norma. The situation was actually quite laugh-out-loud funny to me. 😉 I also love getting to know someone, although that does require “real” conversations in the world, not just by email. And definitely a telephone conversation before I meet them, although seemed all these men wanted to jump from contact to in person without conversations. I am also quite discerning and thing that helps when weeding through the frogs to find a burgeoning prince.
Very interesting story and I really enjoyed reading your blog Beverley! Recently, I came across the number of couples who had met their partners through the internet. Personally, I have never used dating sites but as you said, it will be very interesting to observe human behaviour by using a dating site 🙂 Thanks Beverley!
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The stats on how many people do meet online is quite interesting indeed, Kaz. I imagine it depends on the personality of each of us, whether this is our “ideal” way to meet a partner. Happy you enjoyed reading his piece and indeed, human behaviour is very interesting to observe! 🙂
Hi Beverley 🙂
Really enjoyed this post as I can totally relate bigtime! I actually met my bf on Myspace of all sites lol back 9 years ago this month! I was one of the lucky ones to find love online. He turned out to be not only cute, but smart and funny and one of the decent ones online 🙂
These statistics are so interesting!! So glad I found my soulmate! At my age, dating is just not what I want to be doing lol
Thanks for sharing 🙂
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Thanks for sharing your online success story, Joan. The more personal stories I hear, the more inclined I am to consider going for it again. Although it does seems to be time consuming and often could go either way. I met lots of men who wanted to keep emailing me long dissertations about their lives, and yet wouldn’t even talk on the phone. Happy Anniversary 9th this month to you both and I hope you enjoy many more together. Glad you found the statistics interesting too. I think even more people are now meeting online than ever! The world is definitely changing.
Thankfully I have not looked for a mate in over 54 years. I did smile several times while reading your article being amused at how you were matched up with the same man that presented himself in several different ways. I tend to agree with you that looking for a mate online would probably not be my cup of tea if I were looking.
I loved the photo caption about weeding through the frogs looking for a prince. I see many couples who seem to be perfectly matched and they seem so happy. Most of them found each other when neither were looking but their paths just seemed to cross and the magic happened. My advice is to relax, enjoy life, and one of these days when you least expect it that magic match will appear if it is meant to be.
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Glad you enjoyed this piece Pat, and that you found the humour in the situations I found myself in. And in the weeding through the frogs to find a prince reference too. I also believe that when we are destined to connect and meet someone, it happens very magically and my friend Roger who I met in Sedona last year, falls into this category. Thanks for your support and understanding, as I truly see that when you are least looking…you are found.
When I was last single, I tried online dating. One man was quite surprised that I looked exactly like my profile, which surprised me since I’d taken the photo I used only the week before. So apparently, women do misrepresent themselves online (I suspect they use older photos). He himself, stated he was 4 inches taller than he really was… I pointed out that that fact was immediately apparent on meeting him so he should probably stick to his real height. He said he’d get fewer dates if he said he was 5″5′. Another guy actually had a live-in girl-friend. While I found a lot of things to laugh about doing online dating, that is not how I met my boyfriend.
We met at a dance class. Dancing is a GREAT way to meet potential mates, especially at a class where you don’t have to bring a partner. How a guy treats you on the dance floor is actually a pretty darn good indication of how he’d treat you in real life (does he touch you gently? Dance at your level? Keep you from dancing into things?). Plus, you get to see if you have any chemistry before you even give him your phone number. And since you both show up in person for the class, geography isn’t going to be an issue.
I actually dated 3 guys before my boyfriend whom I also met dancing, so there’s no guarantee the first guy you meet will be the one. But I definitely had success. Jason and I’ve been together for 6 years now… oh, and did I mention, he’s 16 years younger than me?
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Love your online dating stories Lesa! Sounds like you’ve been open and willing to go the distance with it and that it has actually paid off. The more personal stories I hear, the more I am inclined to give it another try based on the tips people have shared and my own experiences. I think I would be wise to join activities I love that men might also. Seems that offers a way to meet men without too much pressure of the online dating scene. And yes, I had one date with an older man who also claimed he was much taller than he actually was. Maybe he had shrunk from the time he posted his profile. 😉 Love that your current boyfriend is 16 years younger. That is my style too! Congrats on all the experience you’ve had in the dating world and that you’ve found a boyfriend who you’re happy to stay with for 6 years. Great to hear!
I do believe online dating varies according to age groups. If I were single today, I know I would focus on activities. Go to lectures, exhibits, museums, concerts, enjoy myself and be open. I always talked to strangers and connected easily, and you never know. My sister was matched to her periodontists dad when they both became widowed. He is a world renown holocaust lecturer and her life is totally different and interesting. You just never know.
I’ve tried being out in the world and meeting new people that way, as you suggest, however, it seems that more women than men are out and active in the world these days. I think you are right though, as you get older, it is probably better to meet in person, vs. online, while doing things you both love to do. I keep thinking how much I love photography and maybe that’s a way to connect with fellow photography buffs who just might be male. Enjoyed hearing about how your sister met her husband, as it sounds like it has been a very interesting pairing for them both.
Hi Beverley,
I have missed your blogs! I just posted a blog on our wedding and we met on Facebook! I was never a fan of online dating. But I had so many bad experiences in traditional dating that I took a chance. My friends and family gave me grief about being “catfished.” When we are not really looking is when it finds us. You seem to be a good person with a great spirit. I wish you all the happiness your heart can hold.
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Thanks so much Sharise! I missed you too and just reading your post about meeting your husband on Facebook and the amazing love you two have shared, I feel encouraged that perhaps, it is possible to meet people online and take it into the real world. I hear you about the possible negatives, however, there are so many success stories that it is encouraging to actually know someone who is one of those successes. Thanks so much for your lovely words and I am ever hopeful that the right person in somewhere out in there and we are being moved closer together in divine timing.
That was such an interesting article Beverley. (I was brought here by your cute FB quote today). I’ve never been part of the on line dating world but one of my sons has to varying degrees of success. He encountered a girl from the Czech Republic who did her best to rip him off financially (thankfully he spotted that fraud). He was in a relatively long relationship with someone he met on line but it turned out she had also misrepresented herself. It took some time and hard work but he recovered from that disaster and is now dating a delightful girl who he also met on line. Fingers crossed she is his fellow weirdo.
As we often hear “third time a charm” Tamuria. Your son certainly has a lot of trust to go back and continue with online dating. Maybe I gave up too soon. 😉 I imagine it is about being very conscious and aware and also weeding through to find the right one. I hear so often how many couples have met online and have stayed in successful partnerships, so I know it can work. Fingers crossed with you and hope this time you son has truly met his fellow weirdo in love. Glad you liked the quote today on Facebook too!
Yes Beverley I actually have a couple of friends who met online and have enjoyed years of happiness together, so it’s possible. You just have to be so very careful. But there are no guarantees no matter how you meet. Thanks for your good wishes.
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Thanks for stopping by again Tamuria. I believe that when it is the right person, at the right time, it just works. It is always encouraging to hear about people who do successfully connect online and create lasting offline relationships too. Thanks for sharing about the people in your life who have had success in the online dating world.
Such a fun article. I briefly tried on-line dating but gave it up after I saw how misrepresenting men really were. Now I’m talking 20 years ago but I decide to do activities that I really enjoyed and in the process I might meet someone. My main one was dancing- I fell in love with Cajun & Zydeco & went to monthly dances. I never dated anyone but loved my evenings dancing & the music.I also always had partners & had learned from Contra dances I could ask for a partner.
My best male friend was a guy who loved gathering people & I became his helper. Ultimately I met Herb at a brunch we set up & Herb & I performed an improv. Everyone who was a leader of that group got married, so…
So happy you found this a fun article Roz. It was very fun for me to write it after the fact. Sounds like you were and still are, quite the adventurer and explorer and I love hearing about all the amazing activities you have tried in your life. I also believe that engaging in activities that you love, is the way to meet men who also love the same things. Love hearing how you met Herb, as it is not necessarily the way you’d imagine meeting someone. I think you are correct…maybe an improv group might be the way to go… 😉
Thank God you reported this fellow to your Inside Source and got him flagged, Beverley. I haven’t used any dating sites but I have noticed a trend on Facebook to receive peculiar messages from unknown men who like my profile pic (or maybe Miss Coco). I did report one and the response from Facebook was that they did not see anything wrong. The fact that they did not understand that this man was writing in the English script but using words in another language that said he ‘pleasured bored married women for a price’ might have been the reason. In any case, I now block weird people from messaging me.
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Glad you like my actions in this situation Vatsala. I have also gotten a lot more unusual messages from men on Facebook and generally ignore them as well. Facebook rarely cares. I think the idea of meeting online is becoming more acceptable and more people are finding “love” there. For me, at the time I was exploring it, I didn’t really believe I would meet someone that way, so from that perspective, maybe that’s why it didn’t work. Sounds like we all have to be more careful these days, as there are many people who misrepresent themselves. That is true for men and women. Err on the side of caution is the best course of action.